Building a House or Building a Home?

On Saturday I went with A lady in my ward, Victoria, and my friend Brittany to a Builders Blitz in Birmingham. It was super hot, but amazingly cool.
I had always wanted to do Habitat for Humanity and so I jumped at the first chance I got to help out a friend and gain some experience. The volunteers there helping were from all over. Though technically, most of them lived on the same block and had just become home owners. There were also a group all the way from Georgia there to help. I met some pretty interesting people, but my favorite is the shark diver.
This woman is an avid adventurer and has been scuba diving with sharks.  I think that's awesome. She is a school teacher who works with at risk kids and when she's not at school, she's out doing some awesome stuff. Bungee jumping, scuba diving, sky diving, ect. That's pretty much how I want to be when I get old. And she wasn't even old! Younger than my mom! But that's how I'd like to be when I'm older.
It was a really awesome experience, building a house. As we were putting up this plastic stuff that goes between the ply wood and the insulation, we were doing a horrible job and we couldn't help but comment on how if this were our house we would want it to be perfect. So we put more effort into making it perfect, working as if we were building our own place.
I kept thinking to myself, whenever I would get tired or frustrated, that this isn't just any house we are building. A real family is moving in to their first home, and that kept me going. I just had to keep telling myself that I wasn't just building a house, I was building a home. There is a difference, ya know. It's something I tell myself when I'm at work during the week. That I'm doing the customer a service and helping out their mind at ease. I'm helping make their house a sanctuary they can come to at the end of the day. I know that sounds dumb, but it keeps me going when I've been scrubbing bathrooms and kitchens all day.
Saturday pretty much killed me. I slept through Sunday, being awake just long enough to get ready for church, drive to church, drive home from church, watch Hell Boy II and then go to FHE. I'd say about... 6 hours in total. The rest was spent sleeping. I really didn't think it would be that bad, but it was. I guess it's just the beginning, because once they start to build Victoria's house behind mine, I'm gonna be there every chance I get. It was definitely an awesome experience and I'm really glad that I got to help out.

Nightmares and Stuff

I've been having nightmares about going back to Rexburg. I don't see it as a sign, but I definitely don't like them. I get very little sleep at night thanks to them and I awake unrefreshed and not ready for work at all.
It started off just normal dreams about walking through campus and meeting up with old friends and classmates. Nothing to frightening.
But then Greg started showing up and that's when they turned from sweet dreams to horrible nightmares.
He was everywhere, at first in the background, just taunting me.
And then he was interacting with my dream-people. It was pretty bad. I hated it. But at least he wasn't talking to me.
That didn't last very long. Suddenly he was talking to me. I don't even remember anything he said to me, but I do know that I woke up with a wet pillow and tear filled eyes. Not much different from my nights after we first stopped talking. It's horrible. I hate it.
And I love it. That's what I hate the most. That a little, tiny, itty-bitty part of me enjoys him intruding in my dreams because it's the only time I ever get to interact with the man that was once my best friend. It's a double sided sword, or something. I hate it and I love it and I hate that I love it. So many contradicting emotions.
I've pretty much decided that I'm going to sleep as little as possible, just to avoid these encounters.
I thought I was done with it. With everything that happened between us. I had hoped and prayed I was passed all of that crap, but I guess some wounds just don't heal properly. I had also hoped work would take my mind off things, but no such luck. I find myself cleaning a bathroom and thinking "what if". I find myself vacuuming and wondering why it fell apart. I guess doing a monotonous job isn't going to help take my mind off anything.
But I'll live. I think...
Now, don't go thinking that I'm still hung up over this boy. Cause I'm not. I guess you could say I'm hung up over my stupid actions and I keep wondering how I could have acted differently or what I could have done to make things not end so badly. But it's all in the past, I guess.
I miss the old me. The me I was before Idaho. When I was still in high school. The me that believed in happily ever after. The me that trusted with out reserve. I miss me. Hopefully some day I can find me again. That would be super awesome.
I think going back to Idaho, despite my fears and worries, will help me find me. I caught a glimpse of that person my first semester before I got tangled up in all that is Greg and lost sight of her. I'm going to try super hard to find her again.
Until then tho, I will trust in the Lord and know that He knows what's going on.

One Week Down, 14 Left

Well, I can't say I didn't pick a boring job. This week, I learned how to "properly" clean a house. And let me tell you, it's not easy, at all. There are a bout a million steps for every type of room; the bedrooms, the bathrooms, the kitchens, the front rooms, the laundry rooms, and so on. It'sit's ridiculous. But, it gets the job done and gets me paid. So it's not horrible. I really like my manager. He's a fun guy. Easy to work with and laid back. On Monday I'll go out with the twins, Annette and Shannette, to clean real houses and work on my speed. Because at the training house, it took me about two hours per room.. And it's supposed to take about two hours to clean a house! So, hopefully I get fast, because I only get a week to learn how to go quickly, then I'm off on my own to clean by myself. It's really not that bad. I thought it would be a lot worse than it actually is. And, it gives me something to do. I'm not just laying around the house anymore, I'm making it possible for other people to just lay around.. LOL But really, it's not bad. I like being able to say "I can't cause I have work" or "I can't wait to get paid" or whatever. It will be nice to actually earn my keep:)

Also, it will be nice to get my mind of things. Ever since I decided to go back to Idaho, I've been thinking about what happened last time I was there and I've decided that it's in the past and I just need to move on. I know that Idaho is where I need to be, for whatever reason. And I shouldn't let the past stand in my way. Yeah, problems might arise, but, with the help of the Lord, I should be able to face them. I can't be scared or worried about what happens. Last time I lost trust in the Lord, I went down a path I shouldn't have. So I'm remembering to keep my mind focused on the Lord and what He would have me do, like that song we sang as children says "The Lord provides a way, He wants us to obey" I will go and do what He wants me to do, and if that means going to Idaho and running into Greg, then so be it.

I'm grateful for this job. I feel like it will teach me things I need to know for my future life, as a wife, mother, and friend. Let's just hope that I can give to it as much as I get from it.

And so it begins...

I started my very first day of work today:)
I came home feeling accomplished, and tired and a tad bit sore in the back..
But, I'm finally doing something with myself. Doing something productive. Providing for myself.
It won't be easy. I'll have to change my whole routine. Go to bed earlier, wake up earlier. Text less. It will definitely not be easy. But it will totally be worth it.
Wish me luck! I'll keep you updated:)
BTW, I work for this maid service called Merry Maids. Basically, I clean homes for a living. Like the Mexican maid in Family Guy.. Except less funny and more work... But that's who I'll be for Halloween:)

One Heck of a Week

Well, this week has been quite the adventure. On Monday, one of my best friends was in an accident involving a train. Thank the Lord she is okay, just a little banged up. But that was super scary. I don't know what I'd do if she had died. I'd certainly be even more of a mess than I am now.
On Thursday, I had a job interview with a maid service in Hoover. I'm fairly certain I got the job, as long as I pass the drug test, which I'm sure I will, I studied real hard for it;) Also, I made tie dye shirts with Sugoi and Morgan. That was super fun. It made me feel like I was in the 6th grade again. The magic of tie dye still amazes me. I mean, I know how it works, but it's so awesome to see a plain white t-shirt turn into something that looks like an explosion of color and design, simply by folding/twisting it and putting some rubber bands around it. We also made some bandannas. They turned out pretty sweet. Meanwhile, we also made pizza and an assortment of cookies. Peanut butter cookies with mini Reese Cups in the middle; sugar cookies wrapped around mini bars of Snickers, Twix, and Milky Ways; and chocolate chip cookies with cut up candy bars mixed it. Delicious! While our shirts were setting, we made veggie pizza and took it, along with some cookies, to Kaitlyn's house. It's her favorite type of pizza, and she is stuck inside all day (being hit by a train will do that to you). So, we went to visit her and bring her goodies. We also had made her a shirt, but it wasn't done yet. I then stayed the night at Morgan's and we sat in the hot tub and just talked. It was nice to have someone to talk to.
On Friday, we finished our shirts then headed to the park to take pictures with Sugoi. We looked so cute! LOL. Then Morgan and I headed into Calera to set up a few things. But, I can't tell you what just yet. Then we went back to my place and wrote on our shirts. We made Team Kaitlyn shirts, and wrote our names on the back with the number 12, which is the year Kaitlyn graduates. After they were finished drying, we donned ours and took Kaitlyn hers. She loved it, of course. Then we headed off to Relay for Life at the park. It was a different experience this year. I haven't ever actually known anyone who has had cancer, and then all the sudden someone who has become really important to me has been a survivor since she was nine. She's so strong! It was something different to actually know someone who has been through this horrible thing not once, but three times and still be the wonderful girl she is today. BTW, I'm talking about Morgan Lane. She's so strong and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
Today, after a busy week, I've done pretty much nothing. I cleaned, had a delicious breakfast, and then went and looked, unsuccessfully, at cars. And then I went and watched my bestest friend in her senior play. Brianna was Belle in her high schools production of Beauty and the Beast. She did such a wonderful job!!! And then I finally got to hang out with her. I haven't spent any time with her outside of church since before I went to Idaho and so it was wonderful, even if it only lasted half an hour. Oh how I had missed her. She is so important to me and my sanity. LOL
It has been one heck of a week and one heck of a way to start off the summer..

Olive Garden: The Dining Experience of a Lifetime

OK, that may be a bit exaggerated. But, let me tell you, I loved it.
Kaitlyn Minor and I went there for lunch today and it was very very enjoyable. I ordered this Chicken and Shrimp Carbenero stuff and I didn't want the shrimp, because I don't like fish. But when James (our server) brought it to me, it had shrimp:( He apologized profusely and even offered to bring me something else! But I declined because it smelled delicious. And it was! Except the shrimp. I almost threw up. But, I managed to just spit out the shrimp that was all chewed up in my mouth and keep what was in my stomach where it belongs, in my stomach. He asked if there was anything else he could get us and Kaitlyn said if he brought me chocolate, I'd be happy. So.. He did! He brought me chocolate mousse. OMG. So good. The manager in site came out and asked me about my lunch and what I didn't like and he even got Kaitlyn some mousse, even though her order wasn't messed up. The food was delicious. The service was awesome. And my friend just made it all the better. We had a great time catching up and talking and making new inside jokes. Even though I didn't like the shrimp, the rest of my dish was amazing. Heaven in my mouth. Fo' reals. I definitely recommend it! And, if you're ever in the area, go to the Olive Garden in Alabaster and ask for James. He was great! Quite possibly my new favorite restaurant!

2AM and Still No Sleep

It's almost 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. Strange, because I was always able to sleep before. In fact, I love sleep. So why, you ask, am I not asleep?
I have had a lot on my mind, as of late. And it's weighing me down.
I have to decide if I want to go back to Idaho, back to BYU-I. Back to a place where... I do not particularly want to be. Which is weird, right? If I don't actually want to be there, then why should my decision be so hard? It should be simple, yes? But no.. Because the REASON I don't want to be there is.... Selfish? Is that the right word? I don't want to be there because there are people there that will only cause me pain. And I don't think I'm strong enough for that. Not yet at least.
But, I feel like if I don't go back, I'll be giving up completely. Like saying "Here, you have Idaho. You win." And.. Well, he doesn't win. I loved being out there. I loved my roommates. I loved my teachers. I loved the campus. I hated to cold, but got used to it.. Somewhat. I don't want to give all of that up because I'm weak. I need to be there. I want to be there. But I don't want to be there. I'm afraid it might hurt. I KNOW it will hurt, for a while at least. It did when I came home, for so many reasons, but it did. I just.. So many emotions. I have to make my decision soon tho. To go, or not to go. That is the question. LOL
So here I am. At 2AM. Pondering over this, and something else that is entirely to personal for me to blog about.
A wise friend once said that she takes her problems to the Lord. I'm doing that. But sometimes it's nice to write it all down just do get it out.. You know?
Well, maybe Robin Hood will put me to sleep. Farewell!