Nightmares and Stuff

I've been having nightmares about going back to Rexburg. I don't see it as a sign, but I definitely don't like them. I get very little sleep at night thanks to them and I awake unrefreshed and not ready for work at all.
It started off just normal dreams about walking through campus and meeting up with old friends and classmates. Nothing to frightening.
But then Greg started showing up and that's when they turned from sweet dreams to horrible nightmares.
He was everywhere, at first in the background, just taunting me.
And then he was interacting with my dream-people. It was pretty bad. I hated it. But at least he wasn't talking to me.
That didn't last very long. Suddenly he was talking to me. I don't even remember anything he said to me, but I do know that I woke up with a wet pillow and tear filled eyes. Not much different from my nights after we first stopped talking. It's horrible. I hate it.
And I love it. That's what I hate the most. That a little, tiny, itty-bitty part of me enjoys him intruding in my dreams because it's the only time I ever get to interact with the man that was once my best friend. It's a double sided sword, or something. I hate it and I love it and I hate that I love it. So many contradicting emotions.
I've pretty much decided that I'm going to sleep as little as possible, just to avoid these encounters.
I thought I was done with it. With everything that happened between us. I had hoped and prayed I was passed all of that crap, but I guess some wounds just don't heal properly. I had also hoped work would take my mind off things, but no such luck. I find myself cleaning a bathroom and thinking "what if". I find myself vacuuming and wondering why it fell apart. I guess doing a monotonous job isn't going to help take my mind off anything.
But I'll live. I think...
Now, don't go thinking that I'm still hung up over this boy. Cause I'm not. I guess you could say I'm hung up over my stupid actions and I keep wondering how I could have acted differently or what I could have done to make things not end so badly. But it's all in the past, I guess.
I miss the old me. The me I was before Idaho. When I was still in high school. The me that believed in happily ever after. The me that trusted with out reserve. I miss me. Hopefully some day I can find me again. That would be super awesome.
I think going back to Idaho, despite my fears and worries, will help me find me. I caught a glimpse of that person my first semester before I got tangled up in all that is Greg and lost sight of her. I'm going to try super hard to find her again.
Until then tho, I will trust in the Lord and know that He knows what's going on.