Anger and the Atonement

Tonight while stadium singing I was filled with this intense hatred. It was so overwhelming it made my eyes water and my whole body shake. I haven't felt like that in a long time. In fact, this time was a lot stronger than last. And I don 't really know why. I mean, I got over being mad at everything and everyone. I was happy. I have the gospel and a family that loves me. I have amazing friends. What reason do I have to be angry? to have such hatred in my heart?
Usually when I go stadium singing, I go with some of my closest friends, a few of which are guys. And it's us, this group. Not pairs. Just a big group of friends. And it's the best. It's not awkward to be the single one. It's fun to go and sing praises to Heavenly Father and feel the Spirit and know you're amongst friends. But this week, my friends brought dates. I was the single one. I was alone. And it was so clear in my mind why and who was to blame. And that's why the hatred came. The uncontrolled anger. It swept over me like wild fire.
I wanted to run away and cry. I was so ashamed at myself for feeling this way. I had no right to feel this way. I put those feelings away long ago, never to be seen again. And yet here they were, right in front of me. Mocking me.
For so long last year I was mad at Greg for breaking my heart. For making me feel worthless and unwanted. But I forgave him. I decided that it was in MY hands if I was worthless and unwanted, not his. I was free of my anger and hatred for him. But tonight it came rushing back. Seeing my friends all dating and happy while I felt alone and lost. Like a puppy abandoned on the side of the road. Or like Woody and Buzz in Toy Story 3. I felt like no one wanted me and I blamed Greg for that. I blamed him for "breaking" me. As if it were his fault I'm not dating; his fault all of my friends are happy and all couple-y and I'm not. As if he broke me and there was no coming back from it. I haven't felt that way in a VERY long time. I was caught off guard.
And then we sang Be Still My Soul and the words hit me hard and cracked the marble slab of anger and hatred. I'm not alone. I've never been alone. Christ has ALWAYS been with me, even in my darkest hour. He's the light that warms my heart and comforts me.
Sometimes I forget that the Atonement isn't just about repenting. It's about pain and anger and sorrow and joy. Christ knows exactly how I'm feeling because when he was in Gethsemane he took on everything I would go through in all of my life. I always kinda pictured his time in Gethsemane as him trying to hold a big boulder on his shoulders. But now I think of it more as a line of people waiting to dump everything on him. I was in that line. He took my burdens on himself. He knows. That's what the Atonement is about. Christ helping us, being with us even when we feel the most alone. That song and that reminder couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Heavenly Father's way of reminding me that He's always here. 
I'm still angry. I still hate everything. But, I know that in the morning, that anger will be gone. Replaced with God's love for me. I don't know how many more times I'll have to feel like this. How many more times I'll have to turn to Heavenly Father for help; to know that I am wanted; that I'm not worthless.
In the end, God loves me. My family loves me. I have the gospel. I should be happy. The choice in mine to make. Happy or angry? I think I'll be happy.