It's almost 2 in the morning and I can't sleep. Strange, because I was always able to sleep before. In fact, I love sleep. So why, you ask, am I not asleep?
I have had a lot on my mind, as of late. And it's weighing me down.
I have to decide if I want to go back to Idaho, back to BYU-I. Back to a place where... I do not particularly want to be. Which is weird, right? If I don't actually want to be there, then why should my decision be so hard? It should be simple, yes? But no.. Because the REASON I don't want to be there is.... Selfish? Is that the right word? I don't want to be there because there are people there that will only cause me pain. And I don't think I'm strong enough for that. Not yet at least.
But, I feel like if I don't go back, I'll be giving up completely. Like saying "Here, you have Idaho. You win." And.. Well, he doesn't win. I loved being out there. I loved my roommates. I loved my teachers. I loved the campus. I hated to cold, but got used to it.. Somewhat. I don't want to give all of that up because I'm weak. I need to be there. I want to be there. But I don't want to be there. I'm afraid it might hurt. I KNOW it will hurt, for a while at least. It did when I came home, for so many reasons, but it did. I just.. So many emotions. I have to make my decision soon tho. To go, or not to go. That is the question. LOL
So here I am. At 2AM. Pondering over this, and something else that is entirely to personal for me to blog about.
A wise friend once said that she takes her problems to the Lord. I'm doing that. But sometimes it's nice to write it all down just do get it out.. You know?
Well, maybe Robin Hood will put me to sleep. Farewell!
Auvie! I'm sure my words mean nothing, but I was just reading this and thinking, maybe the Lord wants you in Idaho, to go through this painful experience to make you stronger. To help you learn to turn to Him and rely on Him and only him. I know that when I was struggling, as much as I wanted to come home, and be around the people that loved me the most, I knew that I needed to stay out there. BYU-Idaho is such an amazing place for people our age. The spirit there is so strong and I had experiences and learned things there that I could have never learned anywhere else. Just my two cents... Whatever you decide to do, know that you are loved! :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Meredith. I appreciate your two cents. I'm sure the Lord has something planned for me, and I'm sure I'm not going to like it very much. But thanks:)
ReplyDeleteyou know I think in times like this its important to weigh your pros and cons. You have to decide, but you also have to remember that the Lord knows you and knew what was going to happen, and yet you got accepted into BYU-I and felt like you needed to come here. There is a reason that you are supposed to be here. ( I am not just saying that because we want to have you here....even though we d0.) sometimes we have to take a leap of faith and then just trust that God will help us land on our feet. BYU-I might end up surprising you maybe there will be someone here to help you forget your pain...you never know!
ReplyDeleteYou know, if I could like this, I would. LOL. As always, Aubrie, you have some deep insight:) Thanks. Love you. Miss you.
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